Thinking lately, not so much doing…

It’s been a crazy three weeks in the Gilliam/Staggs household. For those not in the “know,” the Staggs part of the house is my fiance’s – but that is neither here nor there right now. In about a week, Doug will be leaving for a new job in Pennsylvania. Yes, he quit his job with the state for this new position, but that isn’t what has been bothering me or causing the conflict. I understand every reason he has for going. Better money, better opportunity, it’s what he wants to do and he can use his degree. My concern is that we are at a point in our relationship where we should be deciding on a wedding date and what we want in the next 5 years and we aren’t doing any of that. In fact, we are trying to decide – or I should say, he is trying to decide – whether or not we should still be together. Now, I know what I would tell my friend if they had presented this situation to me: “Get your shit and get out!” Simple. Being in the middle of the situation though, makes it harder.

I don’t claim to be a wise woman with regard to relationships. In fact, I’m probably one of the most naive 30 year old’s you’ll ever meet. I love Doug and want him to succeed in whatever he does – and he will. He’s super smart, kind, funny…. I just think he’s out grown me and I don’t know how to handle that. You may call me a pessimist, and I probably am and I blame the Gilliam’s, it’s what we do. After all, if you anticipate the worst, when it doesn’t happen it’s a win. The thing I dislike the most about our current predicament is that I’m becoming angry. I am just pissed off and don’t know what to do with it. I should be making something – jewelry, prints, paintings, drawings, lesson plans..SOMETHING! – but I’m not. I’m sitting here thinking about what I need to be doing and how I can fix this relationship and get us back on track. The question then becomes this: if it’s so far off track, can it be fixed? This, I don’t know, but I want to try.

I do blame myself. I’ve waited for years – for graduations, for jobs, for the right moment – and I feel we may have missed our window. I talk AT him a lot about “it” and we pretend to discuss “it,” but nothing is getting accomplished. Now, I am pushing to do the complete opposite of waiting and trying to do something to feel as if I’m moving things along. Other things don’t help our cause and I’m just so tired of it all. You shouldn’t feel that way right?

Why talk about this here you may ask yourself? I need to get it out somewhere. My uncle and a few friends have been spectacular, but it’s not fair for me to burden them with my uncertainty and lameness. I should be strong enough to do something – but I’m so afraid of losing him, what we have. I’m going to try my best to change this about myself though – get back on MY OWN track.

A friend of mine, Joe, has started setting goals for himself and I believe I’m going to follow suit. I’m going to set a goal each week and try to accomplish said goal. I may not always write about it, but I hope it’ll get me outside of my own thoughts for a while each day. Thinking is a good thing, but sometimes, it can be self-destructive (at least in my case it can be). I have two goals for this week: posting my jewelry and prints to my Etsy store and finishing a painting I’ve had in the office for years now. We’ll see how it goes.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. D3Z
    Sep 26, 2011 @ 10:47:21

    Staci I am proud that you are brave enough to speak so openly about this, and we are always here for you when you want to talk! Errant Easel is an awesome outlet, and I’m glad you are using it to your advantage. Better out than in…I always say! love you Staci!


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