A struggle within

A friend of mine posted this video this morning on facebook, and I love this girl! I have watched many of her videos, and she quite an inspiration! Watch this video about Personal Struggles!!

Not many people know this about me, but I am a mutt! Say may think that is a dirrogatory term…so I have several…mixed, Heinz 57, milano, other…I am a bit of everything! My dad is black, and both of his parents have Indian (or native American if you will) in them, so they are of many different shades. My mother is German and Mexican…and possibly indian/Spanish(Mexican still…we are still researching grandma, she hid her past and her family from my mom and her siblings…but, that’s another phone call!) anyways, although I am mixed with so many different cultural back grounds I never felt like I fit in, any where! My family is very educated and I don’t have an accents(well, sometimes I might slip from living in KY for so long but I did not learn it from home I tell you hwat!) For blacks, I am def not black enough! Although my black family struggled the same as all black families, I will never fit in, as with all my other ethnicities because Of skin color.
Even my family (the black side) tend to act like I am just a friend of the family, because I look nothing like them, and that was always a struggle for me, especially since I grew up with them. A “funny story” they like to tell is when my uncle sat next to me and repeatedly told me “your skin is white (touching my arm) and mine is black(touching his own) and eventually I told him (lil toddler me!) “I may be white on the outside but I am black on the inside!”. Being white on the outside was a serious struggle for me trying to make my family accept me for who I was. Obviously, my uncle was trying to make some point…that he was an asshole…that’s 24 year old me talking now! But why should you ridicule someone that is part of your family, as if they couldn’t be proud of me because I looked so little like them…guess they are racist in their own right.
Most of my life I hid away the fact I was “mixed” because it was just easier to some point to just pretend I wasn’t…but then I got to hear the racist remarks, which is never fun…then I would tell them “Hey! My dads black!” I’ve gotten many apologies, but, should it have been said at all? It’s the year 2011, and sometimes it seems people are still racist…just in the closet. Saying things like “they all look the same”; that just makes you look dumb! (i hear this a lot) You obviously did not take the time to see the individual qualities in a person! Open your minds!
Every time I meet someone new…I hold my breath. Am I going to have to say something to embarrass potential new friends so the next 5 visits are awkward…eh, I’ll do what I have to. Maybe I shouldn’t be their friends? But I would be awfully lonely if I ruled out people for being ignorant. I can be ignorant too, and I know my friends over look those qualities in me, I can only do the same for them in return…
I identify better with my mother’s family, I look exactly like my mother dear, and act just like her too. I can’t say that’s why they love me, because all my cousins look different, a lot of us are mixed with black, and some are mixed white, and when we get together, none of that matters one bit! I get asked about school, and work, and my fiancé Adam, am I going to have 10 kids. Not once has the conversation of him being white ever emerge around my mother’s family, they like his personality, like that he’s educated, and that he takes care of me, and that he braves the 8 hour drive with me to see them. They love all those qualities I love, and I think more people should be that way.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mutt, I have awesome curly hair, and have only gotten sunburnt twice in my whole life, and I can find a common ground with everyone, but it’s only a piece of what I am, but it doesn’t make me who I am. I still struggle with it, obviously, but I am so happy to see that other people struggle as well, and that they, like me, are working to rise above it all! The older I get, the more I like to educate people, which is why I decided to write this post! The video by Naptural inspired me though! Keep doing what you are doing girl! Well, I hope I enlightened someone today! Go on now…spread the good news…


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. stacigilliam
    Oct 05, 2011 @ 23:00:30

    I was going to write something really awesome about how much I enjoyed reading this and that I love learning about your life and a large part of that is because I truly enjoy learning about other people – I believe it helps to make me a better person if I can at least gain some insight on what life is like for others that are different from me (even if that difference is strictly genetic). I love you for who you are Dez – you are one of my best friends and that is only because I think YOU are awesome.


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