Today, Don Draper Made Me Cry

Jon Hamm as Don Draper

It’s been a crazy few weeks.  Between watching Evil Dead: The Musical (which everyone should see at some point in their life) and school, I have also been trying to re-arrange my apartment, and, in turn, my life.  It’s been a slow go, but it’s getting there.  Tomorrow I’m even planning on finishing my FF7 Highwind painting that’s been on hold for quite a while now – how’s that for progress!?  It’s been a little hard at times though, I will freely admit that.

Just as a recap, my fiancée has quit his job with the state that he had for almost a month to take a job in Pennsylvania that will keep him on the road 3-howevermany weeks at a time.  I had thought, and still hope, that this change – this alone time – will be what we need to get back on track.  You see, my fiancée doesn’t want to marry me.  I want to marry him, but he does not want to marry me.  He’s not sure if he’d like to marry anybody ever for that matter (which, by the way, does NOT make me feel any better).  Still, I am willing to try – we’ve been together almost 7 years and, for better or worse, I love him.  I love him very much and he’s a very good man – very good to me and I truly believe he wants me to be happy, just like I want that for him.  I’m just afraid that we each want the other to be happy so much that maybe we are missing “the point” (whatever that is).

But back to the story…….

Today was the day my new bed was to come – and I cannot express how excited I was about this.  For the past 4 years I’ve shared a futon bed with my significant other.  I’m 30 years old with old sports/wreck injuries and just could not take it any more.  Since Doug has taken a job where he is gone more often than he is here, I decided to make the apartment more “my apartment,” and in doing so get a new bed.

After a night of awesome gaming with my friends Brad, Sara, and JP, I awoke to the challenge of rearranging and cleaning the bedroom before said bed arrived.  While doing so, I turned on Netflix to finish up season 4 of Mad Men.  I could look up the name of the episode, but it’s almost midnight and I just don’t feel much like it.  In the episode, Don Draper gets a call where he finds out that the one woman, his closest friend/family, that knew him has died.  He spends the whole episode trying to avoid the call back he has to make because he is afraid of what he’s going to hear – he KNOWS what he’s going to hear: she’s gone.

Don Draper is a complicated character, and at times he’s a drunken Ass – but when he makes the call, when the reality sobers him, he absolutely loses his calm control in front of his protegé’ Peggy.  It absolutely broke my heart.  Now, it may be because Jon Hamm is a good actor – I mean, he lets you like a character that is totally unlikable most of the time, but I think it’s because I totally relate to not wanting to take that phone call where you know what the news is – but, at some point, you have to.

I ran through the phone calls like that I have received: when my Papaw died…when Chris died.  I also went through recent conversations where I felt like the news I’ve dreaded, the news I’ve spent time preparing for, was coming only to go through the discussion to have nothing actually said.  I was trying to pin point what about Don Draper crying caused my own tear ducts to open up and pour forth their salty bounty.  At the end of the day, I believe it’s because at that moment, I was Don Draper.  I prep for the call that will have to come.  I don’t like it.  I want to put it off as long as I can.  There will come a time when I have to pick up the phone and make the call and ask the question that I already know the answer to:  Question – Do you feel you are ready to commit?  Answer: No, not really.

Doug calls me more – which is really nice.  We talk about our days, what we’ve done.  He’ll actually text me just to say “hi,” and I feel special and feel that this distance is working.  Then, we’ll be on the phone and someone else will call and he’ll drop me for them.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about this.  Am I to be angry?  I am frustrated, but I’m also calm.  Like Draper, I’ve been prepping all day – now I’m just waiting for the morning to make the call.

I’m sorry to go on about my life – but I can’t believe that I am the only person who has felt this way.  I just was amazed that Don Draper made me cry, and I’d like to thank him for allowing me that release.

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