A Plan for a “New” Me at 31

I’m sure in the grand, wide, world I am not the only person who has wanted, at times, to be different from who they are.  It’s taken some 30 odd years, but I have come to realize that I can’t change who I am at the core of it all.   I like to believe that I’m better at controlling the aspects of my personality that aren’t the most pleasant: the unnecessary worry, the belief that holding all of it in is the best idea, the over thinking, you know, that kind of thing.  Overall, I don’t feel I’m a bad person.  I care about others, I feel guilt when I know I’m in the wrong, I do the best I can at work and if others call upon me, I’m honest…and hopefully I have other good qualities – I like to believe that anyways.  Now, I’m not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be.  What I don’t understand, and what I don’t have control over, is why I’m not wanted?

I'd rather draw myself as a robot. I don't know why. Maybe it's easier? Probably because I've only drawn myself well once - every other time....ehhhh?

Almost a year ago, I thought I’d be picking a wedding date and planning for a future that I thought I’d be a part of by now.  Well, I didn’t pick a wedding date and my future is something that, for the first time in a long time, I’m not even vaguely sure of.  Where I’ll be in my relationship in 4 months, what I’ll do be doing in 6 months – no idea.  I know where I’ll be, but I don’t know what that means for anything else.  No wonder I’m not feeling too great – but I’m trying not to be overwhelmed by it (one of those personality traits I’m better at controlling now).  I need a focus.  I need something that is for me, to help me feel better about myself, because right now, I’m not feeling too hot.  So, what can I do you ask?  Well, I can’t control how someone else feels, and I wouldn’t want to.  But I can control me – and I’m starting by controlling my body image.

Please don’t think that I’m running down a dark path here with my weight.  I feel pretty good about it – most of the time.  Prior to basketball season (I help coach our middle school boy’s team – 6th grade is my team in particular), I had joined Curves and was going to the university gym with my friend Jinny on a regular basis.  Ball season hit and WHAM! no time for anything, and what time I had went to school.  Now that it’s over, and with help from friends like Jinny and Michelle, I’m getting back on track to lose the weight I need to.  I’m roughly 40lbs heavier than I need to be for my height.  I don’t feel I eat too poorly, but I don’t too well either (sometimes).  Being alone most of the time, it is easier to just go grab something than to eat at home.  Not any more!  I eat at the house, I work out, and we’ll see how it goes from there.

How I see myself - until I see a picture of myself from behind, then watch out!

So, three days into my new plan for a new me, I feel better.  I’m still a bit overwhelmed by the course my life is taking, but who isn’t from time to time.  We can only do what we think, and sometimes more importantly feel, is right.  I’m trying that right now.  Besides the exercise, asking Jason Segel out  (which he has yet to respond to which I hold out the belief that it’s a “maybe”) and submitting an Avenger tshirt design at WeLoveFine (which, by the way, my design was picked for the contest! check out my process here) are also a part of me getting back out into the world and out of my own head.  Ramin’s Stevie Ray Vaughn painting is soon to follow….and a print for the basketball team….and cartoons of my 6th grade players.

Looks like I have some work to do doesn’t it.  Here I go, hello “new” me, nice to see you.  You remind me of old me.

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