Journal Writing, Four Years in the Making

While in Morehead to watch Morehead State’s production of Evil Dead: the Musical, my friend Adam helped me decide on the purchase of a new journal.  Now, it should be stated that I am a sucker for journals.  I have the romantic notion that I will use each journal I buy to tell the story of my life from the first moment pen touches paper.  What usually happens is that I write about is affecting me – failing relationship, fear of failure, changing jobs, moving – to the point that I just cannot handle the sadness and I stop.  Journals, as I have been using them, have not been the saving grace I have hoped for.  Even so, that doesn’t diminish my faith in their idea or the possibilities they hold for me.

Mine looks like the one on the right. No, your other right.  There you go....

Mine looks like the one on the right. No, your other right. There you go….

New Year, New Journal

This year is different though.  I am on my own and trying to find my way in a world that I’ve been out of for a while: dating.  Dating has always been a foreign concept to me.  Since those first stirrings of puberty, when I started seeing the boys I played with during recess as something other than friends and rather as possibilities for hand holding, first kisses, dances…well, I have been at a loss ever since!  I am no better now.  I can’t find the balance between being who I am and how to present that to the world of men.  For example: I love wearing skirts and dresses, wearing makeup, going out but I’m an art teacher and hate to get my good clothes messy at work. So, what do I do? I don’t wear really nice clothes to work.  When do I see men I’m attracted to? During or after work.  What do I look like? An experiment in modern art.  Let’s just summarize and state that I am BAD at getting a man’s interest.  B. A. D.  I try!  I put on makeup, try to fix my hair, but I just get so nervous.  I don’t want to “mess up” and that’s the problem.  I’ve got to be better and just putting it out there and accept what comes my way.  But I like him a lot!

Anyhoo……

That’s what I’ve been working through in my journal this year – 5 days in but you know…you gotta start somewhere.  My journal isn’t a lined one but just open pages, which I prefer.  Drawings, ideas, notes – all of these things are going into this work space – not just all of the problems I’m trying to solve.  That just gets depressing so this year they aren’t going to be my focus.  They have no business being my focus because I solved the biggest one: whether or not to leave/give up on a relationship in which someones cares about you a lot, but doesn’t want you any more.  I left.

This doesn’t mean all of the problems, or issues, I was working through are dealt with.  I still feel horribly awkward around men I’ m attracted to.  I’m even worse around men that are interested in me but I don’t have the same feelings.  It’s a vicious cycle of friend-zoning that I, or anyone else, can help.  I’m friend-zoned, I friend-zone and it just continues.  Still, I’ve had enough experience in this area that I just accept that if a guy isn’t interested in me as anything other than a friend, I will be the best friend I can be to him.  Doesn’t mean I always like it, but I’ll do it.  You see, I have faith, no matter how dark I feel about it sometimes, that there is someone out there for me.  Someone that likes that I dress up for special occasions, dates, but doesn’t mind that I wear an Adventure Time tshirt under my sweater at work.  Someone that likes that I can discuss the game with him and afterward watch Monty Python.  Someone that understands that just because I have chosen Art education as my profession doesn’t mean I can’t discuss science and technology.  There is someone out there that will love me and want me and I believe that.

In my life I have only thought that twice – and both times I was wrong.  I will not give up though, not yet anyways…..

With my journal in hand/messenger bag/book bag, I go out into each day ready to jot down thoughts, concerns, dreams and in my own way put them out into the world.  Right now, I just want to know him better if he’ll let me.  If he won’t, there is someone who will.

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