Ramblings of a Woman With a Crush or How Very Senior High

I have always been the friend.  The girl who the guys in the group really like, just “not in that way.”  I hate that phrase.  With the full knowledge that I have said that to guys that hate hearing it as much as me, I have said that phrase and know what it means: no interest in a relationship other than that as a friend.  My question is, fellas, how does a woman like me get the amazing guy – the guy that doesn’t notice me beyond the “oh, hey, you’re here…how are you?” kinda of way?

It was brought to my attention that men – or this man – isn’t interested in a woman who A) doesn’t prove to be a challenge in attracting and B) actually shows true interest in him.  This simple discussion – all while I was flirting, apparently poorly – led me to question much about how I am approaching the prospect of dating post long-term relationship.  While I don’t feel I throw myself at men, I don’t mind them knowing I am interested.  So I need help,lots of help, because I don’t understand…anything apparently!

Growing up you are told: be yourself, you’ll find the one that loves you for who you are, he’s out there – keep looking.  Is that true?  I am myself and it doesn’t seem to be attractive to the guys I’m interested in.  Is there some balance I’m missing out on here?  I want to be the person that just says “hey, I like you – a lot – and would you be interested in getting a drink sometime?”  but I’m so terrified of ruining a group dynamic that I don’t.  Or, worse yet, I do say that and it is taken like a joke.  (Off topic, but not – it wasn’t a joke, sir.  You are amazing and I would love to go out with you sometime – any woman would be remiss to let you slip by.  You probably still don’t believe I mean it….but I do.)  So, what do you do when what you do doesn’t work?  I’m not a prude, but I don’t think sex without some type of connection is something I’d enjoy (in other words, “hitting it and quitting it” doesn’t suit me – making out, however, does *wink wink, nudge nudge – say no more!*).  Where does this leave me?  Am I destined to be the friend of all and nothing more?

Despite my awkwardness, I truly believe that I don’t deserve to be someone who is settled for.  I don’t plan on settling just to have someone in my life, so why would I be the person someone settles for?  I did that in my previous relationship.  I tried to find the bright spot in being someone who their significant other likes well enough and it wasn’t there.  All that happened from that was me being hurt, lonely, and in a funk of epic proportions.  Not again my friends….not again!

So here I am, on a Saturday night, too afraid to call the man I’m attracted to because I fear the rejection that I know will come.  Right now, I would be who he settles for and I can’t accept that.  Now, someday, my charms may wear him down.  Someday he may not be hopelessly in love with someone else.  Someday I may move on….but right now, this moment, a moment that could be filled with cuddles, kisses, laughter, sighs is out of reach and I don’t know how get that moment to materialize.

Yes I do.  I need to forget the fear, forget the logistics and past, and just put it out there.  The worst thing that could happen is he says “no.”  The best…..well, I’ll just have to see.

Part of me just wants to be able to say “I kissed the Doctor.”



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