Finding Staci

The start to 2013 has been pretty interesting….sometimes disappointing, but, overall, pretty great.  That is in no small part to friends, and you wonderful people who stop by the Easel, who take the time to read what I write and respond to it.  Now, fortunately, I have friends of all types.  Some are supportive and lend advice born from having similar experiences, others are more blunt but not any less loving.  We need all types of friends to help keep us on track – at least I do.  Without them, without the extended family these close friends represent to me, I would be lost a lot of the time.  They steer me back to where I need to be, keep me from being too hard on myself, or calling me out when I am being a bit ridiculous (which is more often than I like to admit sometimes).  Thanks to my friends, and a little self exploration via Errant Easel and journal writing, I’m finding me again and that feels…..strange.

One of my many flaws is that I tend to over think.  I’m pretty sure there was a time when I didn’t over think, but that ended at the age of 5 so… get the idea.  I only got worse about it when things I cared about – relationships, jobs, etc – weren’t going the way I thought they should (or wanted them to) and look out!  Four years ago, a whole lot of crazy would have come out.  Sadness, anger, crying uncontrollably – oh yeah, the whole shebang – would have overwhelmed me and, unfortunately, those around me.  I can see, looking back, how that kind of reaction could be off-putting.  I’m not above seeing my foibles   (Bad joke?  The humor gets lost without my charming eastern Kentucky drawl.  Self-deprecation, it’s my crutch.)  Now, thanks to a few failures and a change of venue, I feel more like my post 5-year-old, pre 29-year-old self and that has been awesome.

Since the beginning of the year, I have a had a minor heartbreak – nothing like a crush not seeing you as an option am I right? – but it’s not been devastating.  It never should be, really.  Just because one person isn’t romantically attracted to you doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there that is.  In a previous post, I asked for just a chance – a date – and if that didn’t spark something then oh well and I meant that.  I am in no place for a relationship of any kind right now and I know that.  There is a lot of self-work that needs to happen and that’s what I’m doing.  Dates are fine.  Hanging out is fine.  Anything beyond that, well, that’s all on me because I’m not ready and I’m okay in admitting it.  My only real fear is that it’s not clear to anyone else.  I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s hurt or mislead someone so should I just be super upfront with everyone?  Should I tell anyone I’m out with, “look, you are nice and I don’t really know you well, but before we have dinner you should know that I’m not interested in a relationship.”  That seems like a bit presumptuous……here I go, over thinking…….take a breath, it’ll be okay…it’ll be okay……

Did I mention that I over explain?  Picked up on it maybe?  Sorry……

Before I’ll ever be good with another person, I need to be good with me – we all do! How can we expect someone else to see the good parts in us, or accept our undeveloped (not bad…never really bad) parts if we don’t?  We….I….can’t.  Before I would have believed that if someone else saw those good parts, I would believe them.  That it would be enough.  It’s not and I know that now.  Call it an epiphany, call it a divine revelation, call it wise words from wise friends, I don’t know what it was that allowed me to realize this, but I’m glad I do now.

That being said, I have laundry to finish and a little more work to do – for school, for Art, for myself.  Have a great week one and all, and thank you for allowing me to write some introspective stuff….more often than not.

Next on Staci’s part of Errant Easel: T-shirt conversions, changing it up so the shirts don’t have to go!



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. stacigilliam
    Mar 03, 2013 @ 18:07:11

    I’ll be picking it up asap!


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