The last month ranged from horribly tragic and unbelievable, to the heights of exuberance and absolute joy. In fact, it doesn’t feel like a little over a month since these series of events occurred – the passing of a dear friend/brother I claimed, the marriage of two beautiful people, the closing of a school for good, the sharing in the joy of a boy turning one, getting on a healthier path, dealing with the aftermath of two unexpected deaths.
There were more goodbyes, a few hellos, and a lot of moments where there have been more questions than answers. Now, I have time to process these things more and I am stuck in it. I need a push to get put and start moving again…..or do I?
Like many of you out there (at least I hope many of you – it would be a shame to be alone in this), I have been conditioned to keep plowing through. Keep moving, don’t look back, look forward, the next step is there…go…go…GO! I know exactly where I get this mentality too – my father. There are moments when we are all together and he just can’t stop and sit there. It’s not ADHD, he just feels he needs to be doing something to get something “done” (not like a turkey Mrs. Smith…as in completed, according to our quaint colloquialism).
Our school has been closed only a week, and I have to fight myself not to stress about the next year. That’s the sad downside to teaching and being 1) non-tenured and 2) an art teacher – your summer is spent wondering where and if you’ll be teaching in the fall. I believed I had a job only to finally be told that the art posting was a mistake. It’s supposed to be a math position. Initially, I was upset and, to be honest, scared. Queue the freakout about what to do next, and then…..
If this happened three years ago – an absolute meltdown would have occurred. At the time, it would have been yet another disappointment on a series of disappointments that were not limited to my professional life. Looking back though that 20/20 vision that develops over time – even for those of us with a need for constant eye wear – I wasn’t happy with me, with a lot of things. Several things contributed to that feeling of blah, but at the end of the day, I had lost my way somehow.
Queue freakout now (because, oh yes, they happen – do they ever happen), but I’ve learned how I need to deal with it. I list all of my worries, verbally or written, have a sit down about it, think it through, and move on positively taking small steps – and reminding myself that it needs to be a series of small steps – towards my goal. The goal itself can be anything: understanding, acceptance, employment, blogging – but its taking steps.
That’s what I’m doing now. I’ve thought about the issues, I’ve had my freakout and my sit down, now I’m moving forward again – small steps my friends.
Small steps and amazing people. I almost forgot to mention that. I am surrounded by amazing people….and that makes this growth, this finding my way (yet again) possible.
Here’s to getting stuck, but finding a way out. I hope you all find your way out also.
PS: I wrote this sans glasses….sorry if the spelling is wonky….
Errant Easel 