Self Realization via High School Football Game Time With Kiddos

Like all of my posts, this is the up-teenth time I’ve started writing.  It keeps changing with every edit, whole paragraphs of text being erased and square one becomes the starting point…AGAIN!

So, here we are….again….trying to put into words what is in my head.
There lies the problem: my head.
My mind is a runner.  It constantly goes from point A to Z and back again.  Exercise, reading, drawing – all these things help slow it down, but it doesn’t really stop.  It’s not like my attention can’t be held – I stay focused, it’s that I over think.
This weekend, I believe I have been over stimulated mentally and it’s making for an interesting Sunday morning.  Friday night I got to see my kiddos at the Mingo Central game, it seemed like I was going to get a visit from a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, I found my pinstripe suit for my Halloween costume, and laid out some lesson plan ideas – it’s been busy….but, at the same time, it hasn’t been.

See, a lot of the above gets larger in my mind.  How “larger” you may ask?
Seeing my kiddos Friday turns into how thankful I am that so many of their parents let me be an active part of their child’s life, which turns into how thankful I am to be able to be in these children’s lives because I probably won’t have mine own, which is OK because I’m not sure if I would be a good parent anyways, and, let’s face it,   I probably won’t find someone who would want to marry me anyhow……

See what I mean?!  That’s just how my mind works.  Thankfully, all that above passes in a split second and I’m just rolling along like always.  I have learned to be better about wading through the jumble and not getting mired down in the funk. 

I am not an expert on dealing with the issues one may have – I just know what works for me.  I know that if I draw, write, sing, dance, exercise, I can slow my brain down and calm it.  This understanding came at a cost. 

I pretty much lost control of it in 2008.  Not knowing how to work with the loss of loved ones, the pressures of a relationship that, deep down (and looking back), I knew wasn’t what the other wanted, did more damage than I could fix.  There were bright moments, times when it was fine and shiny, but not enough. You can’t just try to change yourself and not truly address the issues….I know that now.

Until the summer of ’12, I wasn’t strong enough – more in control- to deal with all of the *blah*.  Once I figured it out – and you can only figure it out for yourself, not for anyone else nor anyone for you – it all became a lot easier.  Slowing down the brain train, dealing with the doubts/worries, became as simple as it was years ago (this runaway brain isn’t new…forgetting how to deal with it was…).  It doesn’t mean it’s always easy, just simple.

I hope any of you out there can learn from my fail here.  Don’t forget how to deal with your stuff.  If you do forget, I hope you are as fortunate as I am to have family and friends that will know how to jerk you back to where you need to be. 

Life is too short, to amazing, to spend it worrying about what is out of your control.  Don’t get me wrong, I still do from time to time, but now…now I can see where if you have a nagging gut feeling, you might want to check into it rather than hope it disappears, or if your mind is running constantly you might want to see what it’s really running from and not just hope it’ll tire out.

At the end of the day, it’s just you sitting with yourself…..

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