Chasing My Moment or I Want To Always Know That It Happened

I have regrets – we all do.  We learn from them and, if we are lucky, don’t repeat them.

I, sadly, am a repeat offender.  Granted, while my offenses of being a chicken and afraid of hurting people are lessening in their severity, I am still guilty.
“Charge her with cowardice in the 3rd degree – probation with time served.” (I really need to stop watching Law and Order when I write on Sunday mornings, but dang it if the analogy works!). My rap sheet – okay, that’s the last law reference…PROMISE! – is pretty impressive.  It goes back to my teenage years when many of my peers were also in the midst of being awkward and lame.

Some of us just never really get too far from that state of strange – me being one of them.

Still, I had a moment when things lined out.  A moment when stars aligned, the future looked bright, and I was so ridiculously happy that nothing – NOTHING – could touch me.  I’ve been looking for that moment, and have found it a few times, ever sense.

We all have those moments we chase, this is mine:

Sitting in the van, crowded with other kids – varied ages – he sat with me.  Didn’t have to, but he did.  I still had no idea how to express how much I liked him, so I just played…goofed off.  Heads on shoulders, poking in the sides, laughing, pretending to be tired just to lean on one another.  It was going to be a long ride home, but it would be the best ride.  Once everyone settled into the journey, he held my hand.  He held it all the way home.

That moment was amazing.  That is the moment other moments are unintentionally compared to.

What did I do to mess up the potential of what that hand being held meant?  Nothing.  We would get together to listen to music.  We would go driving just to go.  No, things were going fine, I just didn’t account for time. 

I know why this moment, why he, has been on my mind.  He is my biggest regret – one of my two, true, regrets.  An article I read recently has brought him to the forefront of my mind (after all these years, he is never far from it).  It was an interesting article that talked about how regret can drive us crazy, or teach us lessons.  I lean towards learning from them and not dwelling on those regrets.  This is one that if I could go back, I would, and I don’t say that lightly.  

Now, this moment is special and it isn’t the moment itself I’m searching for – that is impossible.  I know that.  That’s why we call them moments right? Little slices of time we cannot re-live?  I am looking for that feeling of ridiculous happiness that comes from being with the person that has your heart.  Right now, that moment is being with my family.  They have my heart completely and I try my best to make sure they know that. I didn’t do that as a teenager.  That is something I won’t repeat again: assuming someone you love just knows that. 

Someday, it will be with the man I love.  I can wait for that guy, though. For the first time in a very, VERY, long time, I’m just enjoying the adventure – being open for a new moment.

That moment will be very different, but it will add to the moments – the very few moments – that started many years ago, with a hand held under the guise that someone was cold.

Chase your new moment, learn from your regrets, and never be afraid to tell people you love that you do, in fact, love them.  I’m still working on the last one.  Be better than me on that count.

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