Learning to Be OK With Being Happy

I wrote that.  Yep, all me and my tendency to write in a free flowing attempt at letting it all out.  I really didn’t think much about it with regards to the post it was in.  In fact, it wasn’t until I went back – post publishing it of course – that I noticed it.

I will learn to be OK with being happy…because right now, I don’t know what to do with it.  That bothers me some because you would think at 32, almost 33, I would have the “being happy” thing down.  I mean, I laugh, I enjoy the majority of my days, I have love in my love life in the form of family and friends – I have a lot of happy.

But do I deserve it?  What if I mess it up?  What if…what if…what if

Two little words, one impossible question. 

It can be a fun mental exercise.  What if I met Tom Hiddleston while walking in London?  What if I missed Cam’s wedding?  What if he didn’t leave?  

To explore the possibilities and the amazing role choice, time and place – those irreplaceable moments -have in our lives can be very self informative.  They can provide insight into who one was and who one has become. 
Very 11th Doctor there….Glob, I love that show and its beautiful writing.

So, despite having so many people and moments, and despite being genuinely happy, I don’t know how to be OK with it.  I’m sure once, a long while ago, I didn’t even worry about it.  Happy was happy and that’s it.  It will sound strange – maybe even slightly insane – but I worry about how my happiness will affect others. I’ll even make decisions based on that! Nuts…I know! Who does that, thinks “well, this is nice, but I don’t want to disappoint *enter name* so…?”

That’s right, I do….all me, baby, all me.
Hail to the Queen, indeed.

If I really think about it, I can pinpoint the problem. 

General happy – happy with friends, with family, with overall life – is not the problem.  It’s relationship happy that is the issue.
It’s no secret that the biggest relationships in my life, the ones where my heart was completely given away, have not ended as expected.

It’s all about time and place….time and place….

My own hurt, and the remembrance of that hurt, has made me cautious.  Where I would cautiously jump right in before, I take into account the things that have not worked and apply them to the situation. 

I can see it happening, and I can’t stop myself.  It’s not that I don’t want what I see so many people with: a loving relationship and a future with love and family.  It’s that I don’t want to make the same mistakes again…and again…and again.

By the same token, I know – I KNOW – that I over think.  I have overly romantic notions of what “it” should be like.  I daydream while tethered to a reality that is impossible to ignore.
It is a strange composition of opposites that makes me..me! 

With this self-realization, on the eve of a brand new year, I make the resolution to be OK with being happy. I will enjoy the company of people in my life without worrying about what the ever present tomorrow may bring. I won’t let my worries about the infinite possibilities (good, bad, in between!) interfere with the happiness in my life – even if it takes daily self reminders to do so.

That’s it!…..I think. To be OK with being happy is to be happy with the moment.
Or, maybe, it’s not thinking so much as it is feeling.

I have a year to figure it out.

Happy New Year Everyone!

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Diane Gilliam-Weeks
    Dec 31, 2013 @ 16:01:37

    Profound! Stac Happy New Year!

    Reply

  2. D3Z
    Jan 02, 2014 @ 17:03:56

    You deserve happiness Staci! I hope you let yourself enjoy whatever happiness that comes to you! Enjoy the adventure!

    Reply

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