This Has Potential To Get Dark

I do believe it’s only fair to warn you, hence the title of this, the first blog post in a while. I believe it brightens up quite a bit at the end, but…just be prepared.

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write. I have two, maybe three drafts that are incomplete or, really, just garbage.
Forced attempts when there really was nothing to say.

Today…today I find myself full of things to say and, with any luck, these words will work their magic – taking thoughts plaguing me and expelling them; making sense of of the jumble that is how my brain works.
To understand the process, let’s start at the root of the issue: a date.

Not just any date, but a date I was so excited for! It’s not been easy for me to get back out into the land of Singledom.
I’m just so (pardon my language) fucking weird and awkward at times. It’s part of who I am and the experiences that have lead me to this point, but it’s true! I have hopes that to some it’s quirky and charming (I don’t mind it) but it’s not always. I fumble at demonstrating physical attraction and desire and I resort to jokes to take the sting out of any rejection, perceived or real.
In other words: I don’t know if he wants me to be aggressive and make the move or if I should wait and see, hoping.
I am just so (censored) confused.
So, following this date – which went well. Let me stress that: IT WENT WELL!! The only problem, and it really is only my problem, is that I didn’t get the physical affection (a hug, a kiss, holding my hand) that I thought I would.
Now, I didn’t freak out, but I was a little bummed. I really, REALLY, like this guy. He’s handsome, smart, funny, and I make him laugh. Hell, he makes me laugh! All the things make me believe he likes me too, so why did this one thing send me into a semi-blah morning?!
For me, after much thinking, I believe this semi-blah feeling has a lot to do with my own regrets. I don’t dwell on them – honest, I don’t! – but when they peek up over the hedge that pins them in they are harsh.
In high school, I played the game of wait and see and lost in the mosy epic fashion. I spent my early 20’s so mired in the idea that I need to finish school that I didn’t even look for someone to be with. I had boyfriends – good boyfriends – but it just wasn’t right. They were good to me, and I hope I was good to them, but they didn’t progress far. Then from 24-31 I was in a serious relationship and, well, I’ve been single for two years so that tells you how that went.
I know my date – who really is just as awkward as me, which explains a lot – had no idea he would open this font of thought, but here I am at a pond at the Lexington Cemetery wondering if my prime was missed or of my prime is what I make of it.

image

I believe it’ll be what I make of it, honestly. I walked around the cemetery to look at the statuary. It really is a beautiful place. I was struck by the thought that there are so many lives represented here. Good lives. Poor lives. Long and short lives. And yet, a city of the dead is filled with tons of life – people visiting, walking, sitting, trees growing, animals feeding.
This stroll is where it hit me: my problem isn’t so much that a fun evening between two awkward people didn’t end as I had imagined/hoped. My problem is that I don’t want my life to be a waste.

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Markers of what once was

I want to live and be loved by someone. I want to travel. I don’t want to be afraid of change. I want so many things that I can and will do my darnedest to have.
I don’t want to die and have my life be a monument to what not to do.
For so long I played things safely. I just hate to disappoint the people I care most about – and I don’t think I have. But, if I don’t heed my own advice and follow my heart and gut, I will disappoint myself and that is an unbearable weight.
Life is too precious, too sweet and grand, to live without following your heart/dreams/guts. I refuse to allow some outdated idea of what is right, what is proper keep me from having a full experience in this world.
The next time this guy and I hang out, I’m holding his hand! I’m going to run and hug him. AND if he leans over enough, I’m going to kiss him.
He may just kiss me back.

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