33 Years

I am now embarking on my 33rd year on this great blue marble we call Earth. During that time, I have made friends, lost loved ones, traveled, worked on my education, entered adulthood, been engaged – became unengaged, failed, found success, made a small difference (more good than bad), randomly met Chris Hardwick – yes, he is amazing! and, overall, have had a pretty good run.

This last week celebrating the big 3-3, I have realized that while there are, as always, things I need to work on it is easier to acknowledge that I’m more like how I want to be than not.

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Feeling Froggy? Jump!

It’s been a while – A WHILE – since I’ve been on a date.  There were about four adventures out into the single people getting to know you…kinda….nights, but I wasn’t ready.  I thought I was, but I wasn’t.  Anyways, after the last “date” (I don’t classify them as dates because they didn’t feel like dates…make sense? Probably not…anyways), I decided not to actively try for a while.  I could go on about how I recognized the need to work on me, but, at the end of the day, I didn’t want to deal the awkward hassle that I envisioned occurring.

‘Cause, that’s MY luck.

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Early Morning, Driving Through Clouds, With My Mind Wandering

Yesterday, I left for my first 5k at the bright and early time of 6:30am.  I was heading to meet my friends and start a new chapter in my transformation from a person who hated (and I mean HATED!) running into a person that looks forward to her feet hitting the pavement, when my mind began to wander (yes, as it is prone to do).

While driving through clouds (“fog” is just too boring of a description don’t you think?), I was thinking about how much of a coward I am.  I let moments slip by until at last faced with a “do it now or it may be over” kind of mentality which is both insane and, I think, very human.

Most of us go through our days trying so hard to do our best.  The best for our jobs, our families, our friends, heck, even ourselves.  At the end of the day, I think it’s easier for our minds to look at the problems of the moment and not recall painful lessons already learned.  It’s easier to be afraid of failure and miss an opportunity than to remember all those other moments that hurt, or paid off, at cost.  It’s easier to forget how you promised yourself never to let a chance to tell someone you care about them, then to remember how much your heart broke when a loved one passed away.  We are creatures of the moment, but sometimes, when it’s quiet and we let our minds wander, we remember…..

Yesterday, I remembered and, for once, I didn’t cry.
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I’m Still Angry

I’m still angry
at feeling so stupid for not seeing the changes in us.
that I ignored those changes out of a sense of commitment.
for believing you.
that I had to break a promise
I’m still angry about a lot of things….but I’m not as angry as I was.

*little proto-poem/stream of consciousness *

Scars Like Constellations

That’s an excellent line (or something similar to the correct verse – it just struck me) and I know it’s from one of the nearly 1000 songs that shuffle through on my iPod, bit for the life of I can’t think of which one at this time.  Later…..I’ll find it later….
At the very least, the line came mind this morning while I was glancing at my legs.  We are snowed in for another day here in the Tug Valley, and while I prepare myself – mentally- for shoveling my packed in driveway, I’ve been watching House of Cards on Netflix (it’s really good by the way- check it out!).  Now, what does this have to do with scars and constellations? Oh! Locksley! The band is Locksley and the song is Days of Youth – see, I knew it would come to me! More