Being A Wallflower In The Digital Age

Let me begin this by stating that I have friends that have done their absolute best to help me navigate getting back into the dating world. They have set me up on blind dates. They have introduced me to interesting people. They have refrained from putting the pressure on me to commit to something I haven’t been ready for, or that I’m not interested in. For that care and concern, I thank them.

That being said, I have just not been able to get into the swing of things. After two years of single living, during which I spent a great deal of time trying (and I feel succeeding) to recover from a long term relationship breakdown, I’m looking forward to a new relationship, BUT, I’m awkward, I get nervous, and my timing is atrocious. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it now, timing and location are important and both seem to work against me. I recognize most of this is my doing – mentally and physically – and I’m okay with that….for now. Still, this is not how I want to spend my life: unable to find someone and using timing and location as a reason for that loneliness. More

33 Years

I am now embarking on my 33rd year on this great blue marble we call Earth. During that time, I have made friends, lost loved ones, traveled, worked on my education, entered adulthood, been engaged – became unengaged, failed, found success, made a small difference (more good than bad), randomly met Chris Hardwick – yes, he is amazing! and, overall, have had a pretty good run.

This last week celebrating the big 3-3, I have realized that while there are, as always, things I need to work on it is easier to acknowledge that I’m more like how I want to be than not.


Learning to Be OK With Being Happy

I wrote that.  Yep, all me and my tendency to write in a free flowing attempt at letting it all out.  I really didn’t think much about it with regards to the post it was in.  In fact, it wasn’t until I went back – post publishing it of course – that I noticed it.

I will learn to be OK with being happy…because right now, I don’t know what to do with it.  That bothers me some because you would think at 32, almost 33, I would have the “being happy” thing down.  I mean, I laugh, I enjoy the majority of my days, I have love in my love life in the form of family and friends – I have a lot of happy.

But do I deserve it?  What if I mess it up?  What if…what if…what if

Two little words, one impossible question. 


Feeling Froggy? Jump!

It’s been a while – A WHILE – since I’ve been on a date.  There were about four adventures out into the single people getting to know you…kinda….nights, but I wasn’t ready.  I thought I was, but I wasn’t.  Anyways, after the last “date” (I don’t classify them as dates because they didn’t feel like dates…make sense? Probably not…anyways), I decided not to actively try for a while.  I could go on about how I recognized the need to work on me, but, at the end of the day, I didn’t want to deal the awkward hassle that I envisioned occurring.

‘Cause, that’s MY luck.


Early Morning, Driving Through Clouds, With My Mind Wandering

Yesterday, I left for my first 5k at the bright and early time of 6:30am.  I was heading to meet my friends and start a new chapter in my transformation from a person who hated (and I mean HATED!) running into a person that looks forward to her feet hitting the pavement, when my mind began to wander (yes, as it is prone to do).

While driving through clouds (“fog” is just too boring of a description don’t you think?), I was thinking about how much of a coward I am.  I let moments slip by until at last faced with a “do it now or it may be over” kind of mentality which is both insane and, I think, very human.

Most of us go through our days trying so hard to do our best.  The best for our jobs, our families, our friends, heck, even ourselves.  At the end of the day, I think it’s easier for our minds to look at the problems of the moment and not recall painful lessons already learned.  It’s easier to be afraid of failure and miss an opportunity than to remember all those other moments that hurt, or paid off, at cost.  It’s easier to forget how you promised yourself never to let a chance to tell someone you care about them, then to remember how much your heart broke when a loved one passed away.  We are creatures of the moment, but sometimes, when it’s quiet and we let our minds wander, we remember…..

Yesterday, I remembered and, for once, I didn’t cry.

Stop Your Sobbing: Random Thoughts While Running

Well, let’s call it what it really is: jogging.  Running implies I move with great speed – I just move.  While I am moving, I find that the most interesting thoughts pop up.  Maybe that’s the appeal of jogging to so many – the time to think/focus on something else while active. At least that’s the appeal to me.

Now – on to the random thought(s).