A Little Glimmer of Awesome!

I write a lot on here about the hard part of everything I find difficult or don’t understand – which is A LOT. Relationships, adjusting, work issues, artistic adventures – you name it and I have probably written about it. While I truly try to show as many sides of the issue(s) as possible, I tend to work through the negative.

I’ll just go ahead and blame that on the family philosophy of pessimism. Totally not JUST me….totally not…

Anyways, some light in a bit of the funk is in order, especially on this particularly cruddy day (weather wise – it is a mess out there).

I have had some amazing moments as a teacher lately. Moments where you say to yourself, “and that’s why it is worth it.” Today, I had a whole class that was like a dream. A “one in a million class periods” kind of class. Kids were excited about Art and working on their own. No whining about how they couldn’t do this, or why is he/she doing that, just Art. Kiddos were drawing and challenging themselves, others were watching me draw.Then – and this is the best part – they started asking questions, trying different approaches to their own work, and drawing for others.

How flippin’ great was that moment?! It was pretty flippin’ great!

If only every class could be that free form…at least it happened once.
And, if I have any say in it, it will happen again!

Letting The Words Flow

I have tried this several times, and each version of this post has wallowed in self pity, whined about the unknown, and never really said what was on my mind.

Free flow writing, here we come.
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Having the “Want To” – Being Home

Sadly, I think when people say “I’m going home,” others look at them as if to say “how sad.”  Through popular media, going home has come to represent the last move of one who has failed – at a career, in a relationship, in life.  Yes, after going home, learning a valuable lesson about what is important in their lives, these poor, broken, people are strong enough to leave again.  They go out into to the world and make the difference they were always meant to do. End scene.

That’s not why I wanted to come home. More

Getting Unstuck and Getting Back

The last month ranged from horribly tragic and unbelievable, to the heights of exuberance and absolute joy.  In fact, it doesn’t feel like a little over a month since these series of events occurred – the passing of a dear friend/brother I claimed, the marriage of two beautiful people, the closing of a school for good, the sharing in the joy of a boy turning one, getting on a healthier path, dealing with the aftermath of two unexpected deaths. 
There were more goodbyes, a few hellos, and a lot of moments where there have been more questions than answers.  Now, I have time to process these things more and I am stuck in it. I need a push to get put and start moving again…..or do I?

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Flying Solo – A Spring Break Journey

It’s been about 10 months since “it” ended.  Ten months of adjustment, thinking, being a little angry, being a lot angry, not being angry as often, growing, learning, rediscovery, regaining hope, finding courage…well, you get the idea.  This event, or the course I’ve taken since “it” ended, isn’t anything special or unique – I know that – but it’s been quite a trip for me.  I’ve had great support, sometimes harsh criticism,  but at the end of the day I’ve had a lot of people just wanting me to get to a place where I am happy.  Let’s face it, people can only handle a downer to their party for so long and I had been angry, and a party pooper, for long enough.  Being happy, especially after being so wounded, is easier said than done.  While I would classify myself as a happy person, my mind does have a tendency to run rampant with doubt and fear – something that had grown in me over the last two-three years.  I decided that I don’t want that any more – that no one wants that – so here it was, spring break 2013 and I had to choose: stay home or go.  No companion, no partner, no friends, just me, the road, and a destination.  I chose to go – and it was the best thing I could have done.
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Birthday Brewery and Hope

Strange title but, let’s face it, my mind and the paths it takes when thinking are a little…well, strange.

Adam planned Dez’s b-day spectacular and it included a tour of West 6th Brewery in Lexington, KY.  Spending time with Dez and Adam, Brad and Sara, is always great but this part of the plan – the tour – was an unexpectedly fantastic thing.

After driving through the craziest St. Paddy’s day traffic, we finally arrived at the West 6th Brewery.  Once parked, it became clear to me that this place wasn’t what I had thought it would be: it was far more interesting, and wonderful, than I had hoped for.  The beer was great, seeing how the beer was made was interesting, but it was the people who worked there and their sense of community that really made the visit worth while.

Outside of West 6th

Outside of West 6th

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Ramblings of a Woman With a Crush or How Very Senior High

I have always been the friend.  The girl who the guys in the group really like, just “not in that way.”  I hate that phrase.  With the full knowledge that I have said that to guys that hate hearing it as much as me, I have said that phrase and know what it means: no interest in a relationship other than that as a friend.  My question is, fellas, how does a woman like me get the amazing guy – the guy that doesn’t notice me beyond the “oh, hey, you’re here…how are you?” kinda of way?

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Holiday Thoughts

The holidays are upon us.  Christmas, New Year’s – I love this time of year.  Giving gifts to family and friends, seeing if I got it right; there is nothing quite like it.  The promise of a new beginning, a chance to get things right “this time;” priceless hope.  Yes, this is the best time of the year for me.  It’s when those moments that weren’t that great over the course of the year fade into the fog of memory and replaced by glowing embers of times golden.  Granted, this euphoria doesn’t last – it isn’t something that is sustained constantly over the two weeks that encompass Christmas and New Year’s – but at least it’s there and that’s really all I need.

In the midst of enjoying my first day of break, I had several moments to reflect on what this year has meant to me.  When I think about it, the word “change” is the constant refrain.  At the beginning of the year I was engaged, now I’m not.  At the beginning of the year, I lived in another part of the state, now I live somewhere else.  At the beginning of the year I taught Art in Kentucky, now I don’t (I teach Art in West Virginia – didn’t want you to think I was out of a job).  Those are the big changes, but other, nicer things happened as well.  I made new friends at my new job (I like to believe I am STEM approved!) that I care for very much.  I live near my family and get to spend quality time with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, brother, and Mom and Dad.  I’m happy, I have crushes on cute boys (sorry, men – I’m not 12), and I have hope – something I didn’t have for a while.

Now, I could go on again about how all the changes, particularly the hard ones, were rough and at times still are: but those times are fewer and fewer.  It doesn’t pay to harp about the wrongs I feel were done.  I wouldn’t even call them wrongs – I like to believe that all of the decisions, good/bad/whatever, have been lessons that needed to be learned.  What’s the phrase, you can’t enjoy the highs if you’ve never had the lows?  Something like that.  Anyways, all of those moments have brought me here to my couch, watching Burn Notice (B.A. by the way – B. A.) with my cat Ralphie and I’m fine with it.  The only regret I have this year is that I didn’t kiss a handsome man goodnight but that’s another story for another day.

So, now that my Pete Townshend style rambling is at an end, here are some resolutions I have for the coming year because, believe it or not, I had resolutions last year about making changes in my life and honestly, they worked out.

Here it goes:

Resolution 1 – Never give up the tshirt love, but wear dress clothes more often.   Dammit, I’m a girl and I like to look pretty! Seriously though, I have some awesome tshirts and I’ll never give them up – NEVER!!

Resolution 2 – Keep up the jogging/exercise routine.  Yes, I ended up enjoying jogging.  Guess I had to do it for myself after all.

Resolution 3Be better about blogging.  My 1/3 of Errant Easel should be attended to more often.  It will keep me on track with my Art too.

Resolution 4Become more outgoing.  States itself.

On that note, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Happy New Year everyone.  I hope my little writings reach some of you, or give those of you I know a little more insight to my thought process.  It helps me to get it all out there and if it can help someone else – to at least know you aren’t the only one – then alrighty.

See you next year unless something spectacular, like Joseph Gordon-Levitt giving up on models and actress to court an Art teacher from Appalachia, happens.

It's not a Christmas pic, but he's wearing red so..close enough! Merry Christmas!

It’s not a Christmas pic, but he’s wearing red so..close enough! Merry Christmas!

 

 

I really should be packing…..

…..but obviously, I’m not!

Well, I have been – off and on at any rate.  In the process of packing, I have discovered that my initial “oh, I’ll just grab my things – no big deal” was way, WAY, off.  You don’t realize what you accumulate over the course of nearly 5 years of living in a space.  I have a lot of stuff, and a lot of things that I held on to but can’t for the life of me think of why.  Posters, stuffed animals, globes with the former USSR – those are all things that go with me, but other things – shared books, chairs, electronics….that is where I get confused and more sad.  Still, there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I will get there eventually on my hot pink scooter that my mom is trying really hard to be okay with (thank you Mom!).

Potent Pink – I dig it!

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A Plan for a “New” Me at 31

I’m sure in the grand, wide, world I am not the only person who has wanted, at times, to be different from who they are.  It’s taken some 30 odd years, but I have come to realize that I can’t change who I am at the core of it all.   I like to believe that I’m better at controlling the aspects of my personality that aren’t the most pleasant: the unnecessary worry, the belief that holding all of it in is the best idea, the over thinking, you know, that kind of thing.  Overall, I don’t feel I’m a bad person.  I care about others, I feel guilt when I know I’m in the wrong, I do the best I can at work and if others call upon me, I’m honest…and hopefully I have other good qualities – I like to believe that anyways.  Now, I’m not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be.  What I don’t understand, and what I don’t have control over, is why I’m not wanted?

I'd rather draw myself as a robot. I don't know why. Maybe it's easier? Probably because I've only drawn myself well once - every other time....ehhhh?

Almost a year ago, I thought I’d be picking a wedding date and planning for a future that I thought I’d be a part of by now.  Well, I didn’t pick a wedding date and my future is something that, for the first time in a long time, I’m not even vaguely sure of.  Where I’ll be in my relationship in 4 months, what I’ll do be doing in 6 months – no idea.  I know where I’ll be, but I don’t know what that means for anything else.  No wonder I’m not feeling too great – but I’m trying not to be overwhelmed by it (one of those personality traits I’m better at controlling now).  I need a focus.  I need something that is for me, to help me feel better about myself, because right now, I’m not feeling too hot.  So, what can I do you ask?  Well, I can’t control how someone else feels, and I wouldn’t want to.  But I can control me – and I’m starting by controlling my body image.

Please don’t think that I’m running down a dark path here with my weight.  I feel pretty good about it – most of the time.  Prior to basketball season (I help coach our middle school boy’s team – 6th grade is my team in particular), I had joined Curves and was going to the university gym with my friend Jinny on a regular basis.  Ball season hit and WHAM! no time for anything, and what time I had went to school.  Now that it’s over, and with help from friends like Jinny and Michelle, I’m getting back on track to lose the weight I need to.  I’m roughly 40lbs heavier than I need to be for my height.  I don’t feel I eat too poorly, but I don’t too well either (sometimes).  Being alone most of the time, it is easier to just go grab something than to eat at home.  Not any more!  I eat at the house, I work out, and we’ll see how it goes from there.

How I see myself - until I see a picture of myself from behind, then watch out!

So, three days into my new plan for a new me, I feel better.  I’m still a bit overwhelmed by the course my life is taking, but who isn’t from time to time.  We can only do what we think, and sometimes more importantly feel, is right.  I’m trying that right now.  Besides the exercise, asking Jason Segel out  (which he has yet to respond to which I hold out the belief that it’s a “maybe”) and submitting an Avenger tshirt design at WeLoveFine (which, by the way, my design was picked for the contest! check out my process here) are also a part of me getting back out into the world and out of my own head.  Ramin’s Stevie Ray Vaughn painting is soon to follow….and a print for the basketball team….and cartoons of my 6th grade players.

Looks like I have some work to do doesn’t it.  Here I go, hello “new” me, nice to see you.  You remind me of old me.

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