The Tiniest Cuts Tend To Bleed The Most

I didn’t even feel it nick my skin. It wasn’t until I saw the line of blood stretching from my heel to my calf that I realized I had even cut myself. To look at the amount of blood, you would have thought it a terrible gash, but it isn’t. Just a small slice…the faintest line…and all that blood poured from it. A piece of toilet paper stops the bleeding somewhat, and it clots quickly, but it still looks worse than it is.
I don’t want to clean it up yet, afraid that moving the dried seal will cause it to start again. It can wait. I remind myself it’s okay to let the stain sit for a moment, to let the wound heal itself some, before trying to wash it away.
All I can think about is how this small cut is a good representation of how I’ve felt lately.
It’s the smallest things that seem to cut the most. The sudden stop of communication. The off hand remark about not wanting to commit to something as small as a meeting at some time, in some central place. The rejection, how ever gentle…small slices from which sadness, anger, pain flows.
I am not innocent of giving these small cuts. Like those towards me, it’s not intentional, it’s in how it’s taken. Still, when you are already bleeding, it doesn’t take much to let the other pains shine through as well.
A nick on the heel. A bruise on the thigh. The never the same broken heart will re-break so easily. A wound that never truly heals right.
No matter how hard it seems that I try to follow my heart, it leads me to the same place over and over again. It’s a story we all know. It’s a story in which I have played the villain and the heroine, the witch and the loved. Currently, I feel as if I am the damned. The one cruelly cursed to help others find their heart’s desire while I can never find my own. People can argue that there have been chances, opportunities – like I said, I’ve been the villain as much as anything else.
Is this the punishment that a god or karma has put on me? Have I been so cruel in this life or another to deserve such loneliness? I can’t and won’t believe that. I’ve just not found the person that matches me, but, one day I will. Or I won’t.
I will keep trying, though. It’s all I can do.
At least I’ll have this to refer to when I need another pep talk.
Funny all that from a streak of blood from the heel to the calf.

What IS the “Catch”

Last night, I chose to drive from Cincinnati to Pond Creek after the Reds game (which they won, Go Reds!) – but more on that adventure in another post. Normally, I sing my guts out, but last night I did more thinking than distracting myself. Yes, folks, it was a thinking weekend, which isn’t so bad, but that’s what happens when I’m left with only me for company.
The day had started out rough due to a dream in which I was told/shown by all involved how I have missed or messed up everything. Ab-so-lute-ly everything. Breakfast and Free Comic Book day helped to reduce that nagging feeling, but it was always there, lurking under the surface.
This thought/fear of my dream being prophetic, came to the forefront as I drove the nearly empty highway along with another thought. What is my “catch” and do men worry about that?


Over Thinking My Doctor Who Love

One of my many thought tangents while driving dealt with the idea of multiple universes and how the changing of events in the past would create an alternate present.

Kinda like what DC and Marvel do…a bit like Doctor Who!  Maybe this fascination with the alternate timelines in my head – the possibilities of what could have been, even with what could be – is behind my love of the Doctor Who series?  Or….OR!…it’s by my love of Doctor Who that I am now thinking in more of a wibbly wobbly, timey, whimey kind of way?!

Maybe it’s just time for me to sleep?!

So much in life is dependent on time and place. Yeah, it can be argued that distance can be overcome – and I believe that is true for some – but it really is about being in the right place at the right time. For example, if I didn’t leave Belfry when I did, I wouldn’t have met some of the most important people in my life. If I wasn’t in the engineering program at UK, I wouldn’t have had Calculus with my friend Patrick. If I hadn’t taken an Art class to balance out the engineering, I wouldn’t have become an Art teacher.

It comes downs to “ifs” and that amazes me.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about “ifs” that were way beyond my control. This, in turn, has made me wonder what that version of myself would be like on Earth 2….3….where/when ever.

I don’t believe I would have gone to the same college on this alternative world. I would have gone somewhere smaller. I would have been married either before or right after college. He and I would have had a couple of kiddos by now. I think teaching would still be my career – some things just don’t change. Music would be a bigger part of my day and not just something I do on occasion. Life would be very different than what it is now. Not so much better…just different.

Trips to this alternative universe don’t occur often. They are fleeting excursions brought on by long drives and music. Weird, right?!

Music is such a link for me. I associate songs with people and events. Mostly, this is a good thing. Sometimes, it’s a bummer. I mean, when you can’t listen to “A Legal Matter” by the Who because you used it as a joke with your ex-fiancé that is a problem. Songs transport me and when faced with the Mountain Parkway on a dark, rainy, night, I’ll take it.

So, I’ll watch Doctor Who and be transported to worlds where even the Doctor can’t help everyone but every now and then, everybody lives and it is beautiful. I will get lost in the stories, relate to characters, and allow myself the rare occasion to peek at what could have been.

I won’t live in “what if.” I have a wonderful life, full of people I love and moments I would never change. Who would want to give up a night on a farm, star gazing or a night driving from Lexington to Indianapolis? Why would I want to not have a revelation that I can be a better person or that love of all types is precious?!
I wouldn’t and I guess that is my point.

Time and place….decisions made…paths taken….I am a product of all of those infinite calculations.
Earth 2 Staci, she’s so very happy but so am I.

Merry Christmas to you all – May you all be happy with your time and place!